Ruth Sanderson

As a child what did you want to be when you grew up?  Nurse, fireman and teacher were the hot options at my infant school.  Then of course you somehow realise there are more options out there.

I’m still surprised at the number of people who tell me what they do, listen to what I do and then wistfully say “ahh but I’d love to ….or as a child I always wanted to be …” as a profession.  What stops them from pursuing this desire? - being sensible and responsibility are the 2 most popular answers.  Apparently I am blessed and lucky to be able to do what I love.  Well so I’m told.   So why do I get to do what I love, and others don’t?  Especially as I’ve never thought of myself as unsensible or irresponsible.   What is it that causes one person to choose to remain in an unfulfilling job and another to go out and pursue it?

I have a hypothesis, just as “I don’t have the time” is very often an excuse rather than the truth, responsibility and sensibleness are also acceptable excuses.  We can trot them out in public without fear of ridicule or being called on them.  These are socially acceptable ways of skirting the real issue of why someone has chosen to stay where they are.  And choosing to stay where you are is not wrong, but what about a bit of authenticity in the answer, how about “I’m too scared”, or “I can’t be bothered”, or “my job is currently funding my kit car and once that’s built then I’ll think about it”.  Well at least we wouldn’t be having a superficial conversation trying to smoother some simmering passion.

Then again some of the answers I’ve had include “you need a degree, or you have to be charismatic”.  In both cases I didn’t agree so I found out how they knew their reason to be true, and we shared our evidence.  I’m pleased to say that upon hearing contrary evidence they went off with renewed vigor, the stumbling block removed.  Sometimes what’s stopping us is real, other times it’s all an illusion.

So now I am asking myself what else would I love to do this year, and what’s stopping me, is it real or an illusion.  The real blocks will take a bit longer to break down, but the beauty of illusions is they lose their power as soon as you see through them.

As children we quickly pick up messages about our image, whether we fit in with society’s definition of normal or it’s definition of desirable or successful or like-able.  As adults we get to add the am I too young, too old, passed it, conundrum to the list.  Dove have come up with some very clever video’s showing what we’re exposed to on a daily basis at a more unconscious level.  Their self esteem fund is aimed at girls, but I would say that boys too are increasingly exposed to messages of a similar nature.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could be shown how to learn to love the skin we’re in, rather than wanting to change it and learn to love others for who they are.  It certainly beats the self image that’s says we’re not good enough.

I recently found some photo’s of me when I was a teenager, a time when I certainly didn’t think I was good enough, and would have described myself as ugly.  Now the reaction to the photo’s included some laughter at the hairstyles that were fashionable then (it was the 80’s).  However I also realised how pretty I was and that’s it’s the invisible glasses we wear that determine how we view things.  In my case I’d been wearing the all my friends are beautiful, pretty or fanciable and I’m the ugly ‘orrid ones.  No idea when those invisible glasses broke, but thank goodness they did.  Who knows what I’d have succumbed to, or how many years I’d have lost not being able to appreciate myself, quirks and all.

Dove’s self esteem fund has lots more information.

Here’s one of their video’s

Who do you knock about with?  Whether it’s face to face or via social networking like Twitter and Facebook.

Your connections have an impact on you.  It’s said that we’re 6 degrees of separation away from anyone, making it a very small world.  Indeed a phone call I got last week from someone I hadn’t seen for a couple of years, included the opening, “I notice you’re LinkedIn to blah, I met them last week at a conference (location miles away).”

I remember the first time my mentor told me that my earnings would be very similar to the 6 people I spent the most time with.  Moral of this being if you want to be a millionaire, knock about a lot with some millionaires.

One thing is true, the people you spend the most time with you’ll share the most in common with.  If they like watching football on TV, chances are you do too.  If they’re in to studying metaphysics, then maybe you do too.  Now the first I know so little about, but the latter, well if you ever fancy a conversation

Nicholas Christakis has been researching the dynamics of personal influence.  He concluded that we’re influenced by up to 3 degrees of separation, not the full 6.  One of his examples includes that “a person is 15% likelier to be happy if his/her friends are happy, 10% likelier if the friends’ friends are happy, and 6% likelier is the friends of those friends’ friends are happy.”  It no longer matters how happy the 4th,5th and 6th degree of separation are.

If you want something (be it tangible or intangible) look at those you spend the most time with, do they have ‘it’ or want ‘it’, if so you’re in good company, if not there could be some tough decisions coming up.

When you see something, how often do you make judgements based on the setting in which you see it?

A friend sent me an email about an experiment organised by the Washington Post.

In a nutshell, a young chap plays the violin at a metro station one cold morning in Washington DC.  It’s rush hour, he plays several pieces of music over 45 mins and more than a thousand people pass by.  During his performance a few people slow down, 7 stop and about 27 people gave him money.  The one who paid him most attention was a 3 year old boy, his mum doing her best to drag him along so she wouldn’t be late for work.  During this time he collected $32.  Between each piece there was silence, no applause or recognition.

Who was this violinist?   Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world, playing various classical pieces on a violin worth a cool $3.5 million.  What’s more prior to the experiment on the metro station, tickets for his performance at a theater in Boston were sold out and the seats averaged $100.

The experiment was done to see if in a common place setting we notice real beauty and talent, and do we allow ourselves time to appreciate it.  Or are we so absorbed in the minutiae of our life that we miss many special moments to be lost forever.

So back to my initial question - to what extent do you let the environment influence your expectations, your judgement, your perception?

You’ve probably heard it said many times, focus on what you want.  The reason is you give your brain and subconscious a clear target to go for.

Right now I’m focusing on having a straight right arm.  For the last 18 years it’s been bent (the legacy of a car accident, and in the scheme of things a tiny legacy at that).  A few weeks ago they removed a piece of bone which was stopping it straighten and I left the hospital slightly groggy and with instructions to do my physiotherapy 3 times a day.  And I have.  3 times a day I’m either crying with pain, squealing with pain or making snorting panting noises like an angry warthog.  And it’s all self inflicted.  Through all of this I can ’see’ my arm straight, and most days I make small tiny improvements.  Why would I put myself through this, because I want the prize sooo much.  This is short term pain for long term gain.  It’s also a very personal example of focus.

You see you can want something and focus on getting it, but always there is a price to pay and that’s where you get to decide is it worth it.  The day after the operation they brought me cornflakes for my breakfast.  Now because of how I was lying in bed and where my arm was positioned, the trolley with my breakfast on was a good arms length away.  So each spoonful was transported a reasonable distance with the left arm (my least dominant) and along the way milk was spilt.  Now dribbling milk over yourself is no big thing, but after about seven mouthfuls I’d had enough.  So I left my breakfast and yes I was still hungry and thirsty but not enough to persist.

It’s a new year and a common time to set new year resolutions, or goals for the year.  How often do they end up abandoned, how many people give up even setting goals - too many.  In a way goals are a focus for the year, they can give some meaning, context, direction.  However if the goal doesn’t matter that much as soon as other things come along, or it gets a bit difficult we back off or give up.  Typically when we’re going for something we have to step out of our comfort zone.  My arm is now quite happy in the range of movement it’s had for the last 18 years, the new range that’s emerging is more painful but if I don’t stretch the muscles and work them then nothing is ever going to change and removing the bone would have been pointless.

Focus on the size of the prize, when you know it’s worth it and you’ll do anything to get there commence the journey.  In times of discomfort it’s the prize that keeps you going.

I love this.

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.